Here We GO!!!!!

            On october 25th 2013 I embarked on an epic journey.  I decided that one day I will play on a playground with Maddie, in order to do that I know I must become healthier, stronger and lets face it lighter.  So I began a journey to become the Mom Maddie desierves cause if she can fight everyday for every breath with a smile on her face, I can certanly do everything in my power to be the best I can be for her.
    For most who will read this you are familiar with Maddie Lou but for those who may not be I would direct your attention breafely to her Blog miraclemadison@blogspot.com.  Maddie is a Miricle and a Blessing everyday I am so honored to be her mamma.  So this is ment to be a simple record of the ups and downs highs and lows of losing it for Maddie.

The Beginning
            Losing weight is a dificult thing for me, I have struggled with my weight sence I was a very young child.  I have lost weight twice in my life once when I was 15 and once when I was 19.  Both of these attempts where unhealthy and stressfull edevors that created a sence of my value being directly and inversly related to my size.  the higher the number on the scale the lower my worth.  When I was 19 I lived on my own for the first time in my life, I had controle of what i eat and how much i ate unfortunitly this also ment I had complete control over what I did after eating.  It began just after my 19th birthday I would force myslef to throw up after eating.  At first it was hard but over time it became natural.  I began to see myself as even more worthless then I ever had before.  I was fat, ugly and worthless why would anyone want to be associated with me.  As these thoughts grew stronger I began to hurt myself in other ways, I remember sitting on the floor infront of my picture wall looking at all the pictures of the people whom I loved who, I felt would be better off without me.  The first time was the worst I still cary the scars on both my arms, I admit I dread the day I must explain the scars to my children.  the second time was easy it was like a drug, pick up the knife and press the sharp blade into my skin watch as the blood began to show.  It was like realeasing the bad that exicted inside me and I felt empowered.  over the next year it became easier and easier, I would cut myself when I was mad at someone or hurt or disappointed, then I began to find myslef searching for sharp objects when I was bored or excited.  The sting and hurt of the cuts numbed all other feelings, I did not have to face pain or hurt.
            This was a very dark time in my life, I made many decisions this year that now make no sence to me.  But there is also one thing I learned this year that has helped me to continue on with streagth.  I have those in my life who love me even when I am lost and living in a way I should not be.  In the spring before I turned 20 my younger sister came to live with me, from there my secret habits could not stay secret long.  Sure enough both of my older sisters steped in to save me from myself.  I began therapy with there help I began to get back on track.  By the time I was 20 years old I weighed over 300 pounds I could hardly meet they eyes staring back at me from the mirror let alone the eyes of strangers.  Despite my best efforts I repeadedly reverted back to my old copping mechanisms until one day a therapist asked me why I wanted to stop hurting myself?
           My Answer was simple I did not want to pass my problem onto my daughter.  At this time I was not married I had no children and it would be several years before miss Maddie made her appearance but I made her a promise on that day that my disorder would not be hers, I promised her I would be ther person she needed me to be. I wish I could say that with this revelation and I stopped hurting myself but it was not.  For the next several years I continued to relaps wehather the eating disorder or the self injury or both I continued to struggle.  I did not fail to see the irony in being a Psychology major struggeling with an emotional disorder.  it was not until I found myself pregnant that I finaly found the stregth to stop hurting my own body.  I mean this literaly I was in the middle of a relaps when we found out I was pregnant.
           Madison was enough motivation, Sence that day in October 2011 I have not engaged in self harm.
             On February 1st, 2012 Maddie was born at 24 weeks.  She weighed 1 pound 8 ounces and she spent 15 months and 6 days in the NICU.  Her story is amazing and far from over I encourage you to read it.

Keeping a Promise
So, now it is time to keep the second part of my promise, I need to become the Mom Maddie needs me to be.  In March 2013 the Doctors told us Maddie was not going to make it home like ever :( But Madison proved them wrong and by mid april she was doing amazingly well!!!!  At this time I made Madison another promise, I promised her if she would keep fighting and grow strong enough to play on a play ground I would be healthy enough to play with her.  So I began working out and counting calories.  For the first time in my life it is not about looking sexy in a bikini (though that would be fun) it is about ability.  I want to be able to play until she drops, I want to be able to run the minute she can.  I want to be part of every opertunity and activety Maddie is able to be.  She is my motivation, my hero and my bigest fan so this journey is for Maddie.

The Program
I started Less Mils Pump on October 25th, I also do Walk Away Your Waistline and I just got an elliptical.  I also stick to a 1,800 calorie diet.  I cant tell you how much I have lost becaue I dont know I did not weigh myself at the begining and I still have not.  this journey is not about weightloss its about feeling better and being stronger.  on December 1st I started a vidieo log of my progress and now I am starting this blog.

Here is to Losing It For Maddie!!!!